Abandon: The music will start soon.
Abdicate: To forever consign one’s sixpack to the gunnysack.
Absurdity: A contrary opinion.
Accusation: Most effective tactic to destroy an opponent’s argument.
Adamant: The first ant, who after being stepped on in the Garden of Eden, has never forgiven us. He has been invading our picnics ever since.
A.D.D: Attention Deficit Disor . . . Oh look! A squirrel! Dr. Benjamin Hartnell
Adulteration: The process by which gender affirming care allows children to
Advice: Why those sexy swimsuit photos encourage you to buy athletes foot lotion.
Ahwazinnafoothiminnawhu: So intellectually and morally advanced, you could never even begin to measure up. So trust us.
Air Contritioning: That atmosphere of regret you feel when you realize you didn’t get away with it.
Alone: The condition inside your head where you meet your most treacherous companion.
Amalgamated: In many relationships.
Analyst: Amateur proctologist.
Antagonist: The one relative guaranteed to bring you grief.
Antimony: Why we will switch to digital currency
Antiseptic: The one relative you should never invite to family dinners. (Thanks to Gary Grano.)
Apple: A fruit that charges with every bite.
Arkancide: Serendipitous resolution of a political conundrum
Artificial Intelligence: Mental acuity common to governmental agencies and legislative bodies.
Asterisk: Not always a safe bet.
Astute: You know its rude when you blame the dog.
Atheist: A theist whose god has a mind of his own.
Attention Dumpster Disorder: Often discovered when texting while walking.
Augmented Reality: When the line between imagination and truth no longer exists.
Autabiography: Your life story including what you have auta done, while omitting what you shoulda not done, as required for clarity.
Auto Correct: Frightening proof that Artificial Intelligence has a mind of its own. His name is HAL.
Aztec Two Step: Spontaneous dance where one’s colon leads to a dash.
Bad: Really now, How much worse can it get?
Bad Trip: a. 2020 year in review. b. 20-21 now c. Is it over yet?
Barista, Baristo, Bariste, etc.: Apprentice Barrister.
Baroque: Insolvent, but not without grandeur.
Beacon: Embark on a life of crime.
Bedrench: Minor injury often sustained while prone. Please don’t ask.
Bedrock: Most inopportune time to knock on door
Bibble: To nibble one’s kibble with dribble.
Bible: Official arbiter ambidextrously applied by those hoping you will either not have read nor attempted to understand its contents. See Science.
Bicycle: Disgendered two wheeler.
Bidenism: The speaker’s nightmare that occurs when one begins a sentence without having words necessary to complete it.
Big Picture, The: What you got when you studied at Collage.
Billows: That doesn’t mean you will collect, though.
Bitcoin: a. A digital asset of inestimable value. a. A digital asset of inestimable value.
Blabbergasted: When you’ve no solution for the circumlocution.
Blushing: A trait which politicians have learned to avoid.
Boarder Crisis: When your tenant can’t be evicted.
Bravefart: We all know it’s you; you you might as well admit it.
Broccoli: Have you ever thought it might not like you either?
Btfsplk: a, Surname of a character from Dogpatch, always a harbinger of misfortune. b. Language spoken by government officials, always a harbinger of misfortune.
Cabotage: What the picky eater did with the slaw.
Cancellation: Social Justice sentence for the capital crime of mopery.
CAPITALISM: FORMAL WORSHIP OF UNCIALS.
Carrot: What happens when you ignore that minor bump.
Catstrophe: What Fluffy just dragged in.
Cell phone: a. Traditional communication device for Tardigrades. b. A popular personal device, both communicator and computer, with the additional advantage of shielding one from personal contact.
Chicanery: Machiavellian game of pin the tail. Best accomplished when onlookers are blindfolded.
Chocolate: If you’re late, it’s already ate.
Clamity: It started out like such a nice day at the beach.
Circumference: If it hadn’t happened when I was born, I don’t think I would have gotten a round to it.
Coffee: The person upon whom the coffer coughs. (First noted in Washington Post 2015.)
Coffer: The person behind you in line, clearing their throat.
Coffin: Where the coffer stops coffin.
Colonies: Settlements along the Alimentary Canal.
Colophon: Communication device for borborygmi.
Comeuppance: What you pray for when caught with them down.
Concourse: What the Sopranos study in the slammer.
Congressional Inquiry: You never can tell, when you’ve o[ened a hell, how soon you can put back the lid. Rudyard Kipling
Conscience: Popular subject for study in the slammer.
Contact us: Thank you for calling. Your call is just another rant to us. All our reprehensives are busy with other criers. Please continue to grate. Your call will be answered in an order you wouldn’t believe.
Contemporary: A short stay in the slammer.
Conundrum: Problematic method of birth control.
Correctangle: A polygon after having angular affirming care. No species is safe.
Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, Oughta: It’s like that sometimes. Get over it.
Counterculture: What you forgot to clean up after last night’s dinner.
Covert: New member of secret religion.
COVID-19: The process by which your circadian rhythm is reset to Pandemic Standard Time.
Cumberless: Severe shortage of raw materials at Vlasic.
Currant events: Hopefully, they will be oatmeal raisin cookies.
Current event: When Peter pokes his fork in the toaster.
Cursive: Punitive exercise inflicted on grammar school boys, known to cause the development of expletive speech.
Curtail: Canine signaling device.
Cyber: A prefix indicating that what follows is of great intellectual worth and may not be challenged.
Defenestration: Time tested method of honoring the clergy.
Default: De same mistake you made before.
Delegation: “As Flies to wanton boys are we to the gods.” Shakespeare
Dipthong: Extremely skimpy swimwear.
Ego: When E’s ready to leave.
Elocution: Death by rhetoric.
Energy Crisis: When the coffee pot is empty.
Enthusiasm: Buoyancy of spirit lasting until reality is met
Epicurean Paradox: a. The mechanism that allows unbelievers personal license. b.. Buy now. Pay later.
Esoteric: Trust me. It’s too complex for you to understand.
Eventuate: That huge lasagna you could not resist. And then you needed Cannoli?
Exponent: The guy who just floored you.
EZ-Pay: The vampire attached to your bank account.
Fact: The all important “F” often missing from the word information.
Factism: An obsolete philosophy placing an unwarranted emphasis on truth. See Antifa.
Fartlek: I always thought it was that snotty clerk at the city office, and I’m not sorry to have called him that.
Fatisfaction: The sheer joy of eating lasagna.
Fecund: Between first and furred.
Fetus, (alt, Foetus): Living tissue, ambidextrously regarded as parasite or infant, according to the “host”. See Zygote.
Filibuster: When you have nothing to say but you just keep talking.
Finger Food: What the critter got when you fed him through the cage.
Flabrication: The reason you are gaining weight.
Flatter: My tire compared to those who are driving by.
Flippancy: Cheeky display of wardrobe artistry.
Flu Symptoms: 100% preferred over death symptoms.
Free: Message caption most likely to be followed by half hour video for toe fungus remedy.
Future: That vast expanse in the stream of time we still have available to regret.
Gang: An organized mob dedicated to protest restrictions on freedom such as laws, ordinances, etc.
Gallows Humor: Even that ain’t funny no more.
Gardyloo: Warning given at the start of political debate.
Gendermorph: The evolutionary terminus of the human race.
Gibbet: Dystopian criminal hangout.
Gold: How the addition of a single letter adjusts your personality.
Guynecologist: If he can’t spell it, perhaps you should not make the appointment.
Happiness: Nature’s way of informing human resources that you’re overpaid. – Scott Adams
Hairline Crack: Snarky comment about male pattern baldness. (Perhaps behind your back.)
Hate Speech: The application of logic to your belief.
Hazardous waist: When your waist takes a seat next to me on the plane.
High Tea: Somebody spined the infusion. It caused confusion. High times ensued.
Himplicate: What you assume he might possibly mean.
Hispanic: When he first sees the bald spot.
Homage: Better than a rest home.
Homonym: Nom de plume for Transgender sock puppet.
Homophone: LGBTQ communication device.
Idiograph: Congressional seating chart.
Idiosyncrasy: Close order drill for mentally challenged politicians.
Idiots: A cadre of cerebrally independent people often bestowed with positions of honor.
Illegal: a. Acts subject to prosecution. b. Acts subject to prosecution.
Imprest: Where you may likely find the little rascal napping.
Improper Fractions: Offenses for which the math teacher lost his job.
Inertia: Your excuse for not doing anything today, or yesterday either, for that matter.
Irony: Absence of wrinkly.
Irregular Verb: Instruction from the esoteric matrix.
Isolate: Sorry, I so overslept.
Isthmus: Non sectarian winter holiday.
Jargon: When Peter poached the preserves.
Karayucky: What happened to the music when the keg ran dry.
Kindred: That foreboding that overwhelms you just before family holiday get together.
Kismet: The moment of osculation.
Laboratory: Speech given at a research facility.
Lackey: And you forgot the code? No way are you driving this car home.
Lambaste: Best done with garlic butter and rosemary.
Laptop: Perhaps not the best place to save photos of what happened on your lap.
Lechicon: Debased dictionary
Logorrhea: Unfortunate alimentary conclusion, er. occlusion.
Looking: Boss of the loo.
Mahogany: Marriage arrangement specific to forest populations.
Mangoes: When he’s good and ready; b. When his wife tells him; c. When he can sneak out.
Malaise: Tasteless sandwich spread.
Mandate: It doesn’t mean that anymore.
Mammoth: Gigantic species of Lepidoptera.
Mars: The long awaited sequel to the Donner party. The New Devil’s Dictionary.
Mass Hysteria: Someone spiked the communion wafers. Wiley’s Dictionary
Mental Illness: Proximate cause of womental illness.
Magistrate: Madge uses only traditional pronouns.
Meldrop: Really not the best pick.
Memory: The facility by which we . . .er . . . Now where was I?
Metaverse: A virtual world, first settled by psychiatric patients, into which we have now been chucked by Zuck.
Michelin Man: When your spare tire dunlops over your belt.
Minimoon: Minor wardrobe mishap.
Minks: a. Diminutive ecclesiastics. b. Capitol of Belarus
Misadventure: What happened at girls’ night out.
Misapprehension: That feeling of angst when you discover your girlfriend is in the slammer.
Misfortune: a. When your girlfriend cleans up at craps.
b. When you get cleaned out at craps.
Misinformed: Your girlfriend after you told her where you went last night.
Mistake: Dog got it.
Moculator: This dangerous animal was thought to be extinct until we captured this one and locked it safely in this ca . . .
Morass: a. Symptom of overeating. b. Often a result of using refrigerator door as a night light.
Mutate: What happened to the Mistake.
Mute: To employ aggressively peaceful tactics in order to silence contradictory speech.
Mustache: OWW!! I’ll bet that hurts!
Myopia: I’d prefer if it were yours.
There is an appointed time for everything,
A time for every activity under the heavens:
. . . A time to weep and a time to laugh. . .
– Ecclesiastes, Ch. 1