New Years Resolution: I know it’s the same as last year. But hey, I’m only human. I was distracted.
Nevertheless: Actually, you’re full of it.
Nostrum: Momma don’t allow no guitar playing here.
Nothing: Acts of repetitive noth.
Obstinate: Firmly convinced of one’s stupidity.
Onomatopoeia: What always happens when you are ready to go out the door.
Opaque: No clear definition available.
Opiates: Allergenic substances. Symptoms include amnesia, homelessness, breaking out in handcuffs, etc.
Ordnance: Implement ambidextrously applied to enforce or violate an ordinance.
Ort Cloud: A collection of particles, randomly distributed at distances ranging from .03 to 3000 BPLs (Baby Palm Lengths). A discovery common to young parents, though occasionally visited upon unsuspecting grandparents.
Ostracism: a. Formal worship of a very large bird.
b, Very curious response to fear.
Otherwise: Not the other selection allowing for the most competitive advantage.
Outcast: Loser in a fishing contest.
Outlier: Self proclaimed winner of political debate.
Oversimilitude: When your homey’s sudden act of contrition ends with you in the slammer.
Oyster: The frightening glob of slime only the elite are qualified to eat.
Palace: forsaken by our redeemer, yet taken by his clergy.
Parallel Parking: A driving skill best practiced when there are no witnesses.
Parental Guidance: When your kid teaches you how to set up parental controls on your computer.
Patriotism: Propellant used for cannon fodder.
Perfect Health: The slowest rate at which to die. – Wiley’s Dictionary
Perversion: How Sylvester explained the catastrophe.
Pilot: A whole lotta Pie.
Plague: If you have ague, then it has you.
Police Reform: When you dial 911 and get a social services voicemail.
Pro-Choice: A belief held only by those who have already been born.
Procrastination: a. Most efficient method of birth control. b. Huh?! OK. . . Hold on. . . Just a sec. . . . . . .. . .
Procaffeination: Nothing happens until coffee happens.
Prokaryote: Evolutionary ancestor of the Wileycoyote.
Pro-Magnon: Neolithic athlete
Rantipole: Angry resident of Warsaw.
Rasputin: Evolutionary progenitor of the Vladputin
Rebate: Tireless extension of debate.
Redress: After you spill the lasagna on your lap.
Reflex: When she doesn’t notice the first time.:
Relative: Everything is relative, except the statement itself, about which we have absolute certainty.
Relative Humidity: The sweat that breaks out just as your relatives are coming for dinner.
Relies: Statements provided to clarify the previous explanations.
Rely: When you realize you’ve been caught in the first one.
Repast: Pathetic attempt to escape the future.
Repose: When the first picture isn’t good enough.
Reprobate: When your closet cousin contests the will.
Respite: When just getting even is not enough.
Riot: Peaceful demonstration to redress woke infractions, with the added opportunity of free tvs.
Safe Place: Where you put it yesterday and can’t find today.
Sardonic: Mordant musings of small fish.
Scatology: Fruit of the loo.
Science: Official arbiter ambidextrously applied by those hoping you will neither know nor understand its definition, See Bible,
Sheep: Female heep.
Sheriffim: Delegates attending a law enforcement convention.
Sin: An occupation less to be practiced were the wages paid promptly
Slam Dunk: Unpastrylike conduct.
Solace: Or else you will trip over them.
Species Dysphoria: Distress from mismatch between one’s perceived species and that assigned at birth. Most severe in household pets who insist they are peoples.
Speculate: Spec U might just as well go on home, then.
Split Infinitive: Grammatical felony, sentence is for a period of comma without conjugation.
Statistics: Why we should put faith in the law of averages.
Staycation 2020: A stay that will live in infamy.
Stealthing: Removing one’s campaign promise after taking office.
Submission: Special order for sandwich artist.
Super Bowl: Self cleaning toilet.
Syntax: The tax levied before the wage.
Synthesis: Dissertation on concupiscence.
Theosaur: Jurassic clergyman.
Time: A quantity of which the indolent have never enough.
Transfusion: The uncertainty that occurs whenever a new gender is added to the list.
Translogic: a.The mechanism by which beliefs become facts. b. The process by which facts become hate speech.
Transmoral: The newly formulated science by which morality is determined by personal choice. See Translogic.
Transom: Esoteric gender encompassing everything – the beginning the middle and the end, the past the present and the future. Pronouns include they, those, these, and them. Disrespect at your peril.
Transparent: One whose percieved identity conflicts with reality. May initiate adoption proceedings.
Trump: a. A decisive card. b. A discard.
Tuna: Fish god of ancient Tunisia.
Twitter: Our cumulative intelligence as contained in the avian mind.
Ultimatum: A last demand before resorting to concessions. Ambrose Bierce
Ululate: Yeah? Why u late?
Umlaut: a. German egg recipe. b. Boorish person from the Reich.
Unfollowed: Cancelled for excessive facts.
Unfounded Claim: Your opponent’s opinion.
Vexination: Anger over the threat of immunization.
Violence: What you may feel when you hear your child ‘s first music lessons. It goes away.
Virtue Signaling: When my outrage trumps your outrage.
Wanton: Unabashed dumpling soup.
Warrants: Arthropod violence. Will it ever end?
Website: Internet destination having a special recipe for cookies.
Wit: An obsolete form of humor replaced with bureaucratic bafflegab and adolescent scatology.
Woke: a. A consciousness reached only by those who perceive injustice in others but themselves. b. It ain’t no joke.
Woman: Legal definition currently unavailable. Please check back later.
Worse: Punishment for ignoring bad.
Wysteria: The cause of insurrection in your front yard.
Yesterday: The most recent entry on your list of things you are trying to forget.
Zygote: Living tissue, ambidextrously defined as parasite or child, according to the “host”‘. See Fetus
There is an appointed time for everything,
A time for every activity under the heavens:
. . . A time to weep and a time to laugh. . .
– Ecclesiastes, Ch. 1